Canada To Build Wall on U.S. Border

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that Canada will be building a wall on the border to stem the flood of immigration into Canada from the United States.  He promised that the United States would ultimately pay the costs of construction.

In a news conference held one week after the inauguration of U.S. President Donald Trump, Trudeau did not mince words.  “This is out of control.  Remember the night of Trump’s election, they crashed our friggin’ website?  What do they think we can just absorb them all at once?  I know our snow is melting fast up north, thanks to these carbon junkies, but it’s not like we’ve got unlimited space and resources.  We’ve just taken in tens of thousands of Syrian refugees, when places like the U.S. wouldn’t have them.  Now they want us to accept their refugees?  Have they no sense of irony?  What, now you’ve decided you want good healthcare after all?  What a bunch of morons.”

Prime Minister Trudeau addresses the media.

Canadian residents seemed curious about the news.  Some said they felt the wall would help with habitat preservation.

Trudeau was asked if the new policy was inconsistent with Canada’s traditionally liberal values and policy of openness.  “Maybe it is,” he said.  “Maybe even some of these people are good people.  But how can we be sure?  They just elected a guy who is either crazy or a fascist, or possibly both.  So I’m not sure we can trust any of these people.  We’ll keep taking in Syrians, for sure, but this flood of Americans is going to stop, and it’s going to stop RIGHT NOW.  Believe me.”

When asked about having the U.S. pay for the wall, Trudeau was not specific.  “We’re looking at a lot of options.  But trust me, they will pay for it.  It might be import tariffs, or maybe we raise the price of our tarsands oil going down there, or maybe we stop allowing our hockey players to play in the NHL and watch the Yanks play at half speed without us, but we’ll find a way to stick it to ’em.”

A reporter asked Trudeau if tensions would likely rise with the United States given this new policy.  “Tension?”  Trudeau replied.  “Who are you kidding?  This is going to be such a great wall.  They’re going to love it.  They’re going thank us for building it; they’ll wish we had charged them more for it.  There will be crowds of people demonstrating their thanks, big crowds, really big crowds.  Maybe the biggest crowds in the history of border wall construction.  Maybe the biggest crowds of all time anywhere.”

“It’s gonna be YUGE,” Trudeau said.

U.S. President Donald Trump responded by Twitter:  “Gimme a break.  I know how to have big crowds.  No one’s gonna have bigger thank-you-for-the-wall crowds than me.   Mine’s bigger!!   Mine is SO MUCH BIGGER!!   Canada is for losers anyway.  Trudeau should be locked up.  He was elected in a rigged election.  SAD!!”

Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto initially declined comment but later said:  “We’re not taking them either.  We’ve got enough of them on our beaches already, yacking on their damn phones.  Let’s just make sure anyone of Mexican descent can get the heck out of there before they’re walled in against their will.  That’s a scary place to be stuck.”